Cermit Talks

I painted my nails blue because I want to kill myself. No, I'm not going to, they are there as a reminder I have a choice. I can choose what happens if the pain gets too bad that I have a choice to end it. I feel like my life has been made of choices that I didn't make. I have dated two people in my life, both left me. I can not say I didn't choose to be with them, because that would be a lie. But the matter in which both relationships started and ended, make me feel that there is nothing I can control. The first one, I was young, I didn't really want a relationship but I did it anyway. It ended by his choice. He told me I did nothing wrong and that later it was a mistake. He was just in a bad mood and it happened. The next one was a week after that one. I was in pain and I am a gullible person. He was sweet and I said yes. When he broke up with me he said he just didn't feel the same. Over a week he thought about his feelings and decided that he did not love me

A vessel. To take me away from here. I could say a car, or a boat, or a plane. But I don't want to be taken away. I want to move forward with my own two feet. My feet are my vessel. I am my vessel. I will walk to my next destination. I will walk my life into happiness again. I will walk my way to the nearest taco bell for some of there bomb ass fries. But I will not go on another vessel to take me away. I just sit here and be here and find my way.

Today I am meeting with an old friend, someone I've talked to but haven't hung out with in over 6 months. It seems weird when at one point we were extremely close. Currently, I have no real future plans because my partner left me only two days ago. But I decided I can't sit here and hope something happens, or that I find someone in time. I decided I want to start life plans with friends instead of partners since the last two have failed. I am going to talk about moving in with him and my best friend. At one point we all three were a pretty good trio according to my best friend. I am truly excited to see him and be able to talk with him, maybe make things less awkward on my part. I am doing this because I honestly need something to look forward to. I need to have something to hold on to. I am worried about how it will work. I feel like I am just going to be a burden because I can't see myself holding a regular job. If I could find some desk job after we move I think t

The pain of losing someone when you are still madly and deeply in love with them is beyond painful. You left me. You lost the love for me in a week. You were perfect, everything I've ever wanted. There is so much pain in the thoughts of never seeing you again. The way you told me made it worse. I am no longer providing you the feeling of a lover. It hurts knowing you will find someone else. Someone else will be able to be surrounded by your hugs. But it wasn't me. It wasn't my fault. You did this before. I wonder if you are unable to love forever. You get bored or tired of them. I don't know if you'll ever be happy. You hurt me and I don't care if you are anymore. I'll be okay one day. this is not a poem because you don't deserve a poem, I love you and you don't the same. But I'll be okay, I will. No more of this till I am fine.

Outside my window is sunshine, the trees are green, and the sky is blue. My heart aces from the pain he caused. I want nothing more than to curl up into a ball and stay there till the end of time. If it was possible I would stay in this bed forever. My chest hurts and so does my head. I wish the sun could fix my broken heart. Tomorrow is a new day. The sun will rise again and so will I. Sleep well sun, I will try my best to be as bright as you tomorrow.

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