Cermit Talks

I have missed 4 days, my apologize. I want to keep up this blog, it is very important. For me it is an outlet for me to write how I feel, it is a place for me to hopefully find people who can relate, or help people in some way. I want to provide something for the world. I will try and get back on schedule. The last few days have been busy, I am now currently in a relationship. And I have many things to share, thank you for reading and supporting me.

I had this thing before recently that I would only talk to one boy at a time when looking for a relationship. The first time I was on tinder that worked, though this time I realize it is not as simple as I'd hope it would be. I am talking to 4 people right now. It is interesting to compare. They are all nice and good looking enough. But each has different ways of talking, different types of conversation. Though I can feel myself resorting back to one person. I feel bad talking to multiple people because I am such a loyal person that it just seems wrong to be flirting with multiple people. I hope soon I can be done with this dating and find someone just to be happy with. It seems like forever since I've been held.

Last night I went on the first date since my last relationship. The guy seemed nice and kind over text. He wasn't rude or mean. But I knew the moment I saw him, it wasn't going to work. Not being rude, nor was he. Just not, someone, I could see myself with. Things about him just didn't fit. I do not want to ramble about the things I did not like about him because it is not his fault. He was nice and kind. Though this exactly proofs what I have talked about before. I always try and go on a date early. Because there might be a thing that you can't stand in person and I would rather not waste my time to talk to someone for weeks and I end up hating the way their voice sounds. Not that I am that type of person but It's something to think about. Hopefully, the next one will go better. I have hope.

I have a date today. Not with the guy I have been talking to, with a more recent guy. My hopes are up as usual. I am nervous. I am worried like every woman when going on a date. He could be weird, he could be annoying, he could be creepy. I am a very gullible person and I can give in easily. I worry about myself. I hope this goes well, I hope I can be happy, and I hope things go well. Even if it doesn't I will have the same thoughts next week if I have a date with another guy. I hope I can find someone soon. I just want to cuddle, shower together, sleep together, play Mario party together, and just be happy.

I am unsure what to write today. I have been all over the places, I have been setting up a brand, I guess, for this and I am pretty excited. My heart is in a lot of places. I am having conflicting feelings. Some people are telling me that I need to have high standards and I understand that but I feel h\I have enough standards to make me happy, except for the fact that I choose shitty guys. I guess I like the minimalist feel in my relationships to the point where we can just be together. But I seem to not be able to find someone with the same ideas as me and when I say what I want they take it as being lazy and I can respect that but they get to a point where lazy is below relationship minimum. Though most of my relationships just end for the fact that I date shitty guys. Hopefully, the next one won't be as shitty.

I have talked about how I had a youtube at one point and stopped because I didn't feel it made me happy. I have recently reconsidering since I guess I miss the commitment, which sounds weird but the accomplishment of uploading on a schedule felt amazing. I am considering though making it under this name since I feel better when I don't have to deal with people in my personal life. Though I feel like if my face is attached I will still feel restricted. I am considering making a gaming channel with no voice and just have a record of the games I play. I don't have many friends and I play alone a lot and I sometimes feel because no one else sees it in any form that it didn't happen or it wasn't important even though it was to me. I have put a lot of thought into it though I have not made a decision. I will update on that eventually. Would you watch games?

Is it okay to go back to your place or their place after a first date? Personally, I have done both. Probably not the safest according to everyone on the internet but it was not entirely random. I can't entirely defend myself but I don't think its truly insane to be in a comfortable place to relax with someone. But I would like to note I did start dating them before actually going anywhere. Yes, I have started dating people on the first date and the first time I meet them. I am a gullible person okay? I still stand by my point. Watching Netflix, gaming, or just being in a quiet place to hang out with someone early in a relationship I don't view as a bad thing. I might regret that one day but currently, that's how it stands.

I am not sure what to write today. I thought about many things that I plan on writing about but at this very moment, I can't get myself to write about those. Currently, I am single and sometimes at the end of the day the feeling of having no one to text "goodnight I love you" to is a pain that's in the bottom of my chest and then down to my stomach when someone I want to be happy with doesn't text me. Yes, I am a little bit dramatic, but I just want someone to be happy with. I have realized that this time I don't want to, how shall I say it, not think too much into the future? I will still think about it but I just want to be happy with someone. I want to sleep next to someone, shower together, and be happy together.

I read a post that said "if you break up with someone and start dating a week later, you are an asshole who never loved that last person." Something like that, slightly more aggressive. Seeing that kind of hurt. Yes, it was not directed at me but thinking that you can't move on doesn't lessen the last relationship. Dating another person does not mean you do not love the other person. and you are not an asshole for dating someone while still heartbroken from the last. You can wait however long you want. Personally I have started dating a week to two weeks later. I was still heartbroken. But it hurts me more to sit in my bedroom thinking I am never going to find love. When I was talking to a professional he felt that it was okay, in his words "You have so much love to give that its healthy to move on." Holding all of in my heart is like a balloon filling with water, you need to let some go before it pops. No I am not over the last. Yes I did love them. But

I am so happy and proud of those people for achieving their goals. But seeing so many people changing themselves reminds me that plus size people are not welcome here. I have always been bullied for my weight but I think the biggest bully I have is myself. Every time I see those photos I think of all the diets I could try, or how many extra steps I could take to lose some weight. I look online for easy diets. By the time I realize how stupid it is to do that because someone else might want me to, I feel shitty. I feel like I am not good enough and I go on this spiral. Of depression and anxiety and fear. Pure fear. Somehow I keep my optimism there by thinking how good the food I eat is, and how I won't be happy at the gym, or eating salads. I find myself thinking of my partner and how they love me right now for who I am. I believe everyone can be beautiful. I feel like slowly I am getting better at loving myself. Thankfully I follow a body positive account who I couldn't than

Today I realized that I had no friends. Yes, I have people I chat with. But in a moment of utter sadness and panic, I grabbed my phone and was left with no one I felt would listen if I texted. I texted the two people who I would normally go to but at that moment they were both unavailable. I sat there with my thoughts and felt my self-spiraling. When I had the chance I pulled out my headphones and turned on a podcast. They made me laugh and lifted my spirit. After a while, I felt the spiral reversing. In the later moments, I felt myself laughing with peers. Yes, it seems like one of those typical cliches but that spiral went far down. I felt my hopes from the last few days fall. But I eventually felt better enough to laugh.

The worst part of being single is that stomach feeling that no one is capable of loving you. I feel it deep in my stomach that maybe I won't ever find love or be happy. I feel like every relationship that I am in is teaching me more things to hate about people. More reasons not to trust anyone. 10 minutes before it "clicked" in my ex-mind he told me that no one can just stop loving someone. Then something changed and he became someone I didn't know. Love can be the most wonderful thing, and yet the worst thing to ever exist. I just want to find someone that wants to spend time with me and eat food with me. I am so low maintenance that it's insane. I just hope I will find happiness soon.

For a long time, I made youtube videos. I enjoyed putting something out there and editing and so forth. But recently I realized that might not be what I want to do anymore. But today I was thinking about some topics to write and it got me thinking. For youtube videos, I would write out a script. Not for sketches but for what I wanted to talk about. All different type of topics. I thought about how I will end up thinking of those again and now blogging them. Youtube and blogging are not that different. Yes, you can't do fun challenges but a lot of the youtube videos I wanted to make were talking and disusing things. I ended up not doing a lot of that because I was nervous. But on here I feel more open and free to speak. Maybe its because my face is not attached, maybe its because editing is easier, or maybe its because I would write it out anyway. This was just a thought and comparison that I had. Have you had anything similar?

When I made this blog I didn't put my name. Not because I am ashamed but because I wanted to post freely without the worry of people going after me. I know people think that hiding something means your ashamed when that not how it works always. I don't share this on Facebook because I want the people to see this because of the content and not because of my face or my reputation. I recently did something that could cause people I know to find it but I realize that I don't care. As a kid, you always worry about that. When I was a teenager I got kinda past that. I hid this to save me time, I don't care about what they say, I just don't want to deal with it. But right now I feel okay. I am an adult and just like an adult, I can be open and free with what I do. I always see beautiful women post pictures of their body's or opinions and I have always wanted that. My words are my will and I will share them.

I was having a discussion with my friend about when is it okay to give/receive a promise ring. Like being in a relationship at least. I feel like some people promise rings can seem weird or a big step. For me personally, it is a small reminder that someone loves you. Perspective is important in topics like this. A promise ring can mean many things to many people and none of them are wrong. My friend asked me while we were having this discussion "What is the promise?" and that took me a second because I know that the first thing that came to mind was a promise to love each other but I was not sure that actually how I felt. I soon came up with the answer that in my opinion, the promise in a promise ring is a promise that I want a future with you. Yes, that can change but I feel like as long as you ware that while dating me that's what it means, that you want to. An engagement ring means you will. My friend doesn't believe a promise ring is necessary and there is not

I was having a discussion with my friend on when it is okay to be engaged. Minimum, at least, required. This was all a matter of opinion just to have another perspective. I recently got into a relationship. I am a person who wants something serious and worth my time, meaning the future should be a topic of discussion soon off. From having two heartbreaks in the last year I was hesitant to mention anything. I eventually realized some things I can't be afraid of and just have to risk the pain. I mentioned some questions to them and we had a little discussion. I was asking my friend when she would think engagement would be okay because I wanted to know if my ideas were reasonable. No, when talking about anything like this does not mean I want it soon or immediately, nor am I desperate. It is more so a matter of knowledge. Knowing when it should be an actual topic of. discussion. For my friend, she said minimum would be a year and a half. I said two years. When I mentioned the discu

NOTE: this is my own personal experience with my own thoughts and mindset. And I just want to share so if other people have similar experiences they know they are not alone. I will cut to the chase, it wasn't good. First if you don't know what Abby's closet is, it is a place to get a free prom dress. You wait in line, go through the dresses and find one. This was my second year going. Since last year, was a year ago, I am not going to go into detail about that one so I am true to my words. This year I woke up before 5 am and drove for an hour, than got on the max. We arrived around 6:45. We walked in and got our number and sat down for about 2 hours. We were number 492. When we finally got called we waited in the next section where they talked to us and such. At this point in that morning I was ecstatic, I was excited and ready. From where I was sitting i could only see the first few racks, they had announced they had over 7,000 dresses. I saw multiple rows of each num

Have you ever heard a song that made you think of a time or someone and you just felt kind of sad? There are so many songs that are under that list. Music is my way to understand my feelings. Words I can't think of or say, songs give me that. When that happens you connect a lot of moments to songs. And when those moments turn sour you are left with a sad song. I wish I could listen to that song under a new mind again but I think I will forever have a long list of sad songs that aren't sad. It will continue to grow as the more my heart hurts.

5... 4... 3... 2... 1... *whispers* Blastoff. We are going on a trip  to Mars to discover if the water is really there. This is our favorite rocket ship , out of the 3 others who failed during liftoff. This is the only one who made it up, I feel like we are zooming through the sky . This is a journey of a lifetime, little do they know I have been waiting forever. " Einstein " They yelled my name.  Clime aboard they said before we got on the ship. I looked over at my fellow astronaut and told her to get ready to explore.  She laughed and said mars is full of nothing. I smiled and said but  theirs so much to find . don't get too excited she proclaimed, theirs little to nothing on mars Einstein , you know that. We both laughed as the ship took off to our new destiny, our new life, our new home.

We sit down for the first time together. I look up at him after looking at the waiter and his eyes are guarded. Glasses. So simple but I am too nervous to notice. I never notice eyes unless I'm looking into someone's heart. The next time I see him the guard is down. Not just mentally but physically. His eyes, I can see them. They are the color of a morning dew sky. Perfect an pristine. I could stare at them for hours. I have. Something so easy to get lost in. I wish I could live in the sea his eyes display. A happy ending.

I walk into a building that was a mix of my school and our town mall. All jumbled and unsure. When I walked in I was looking around. I cam across a display of earrings and saw a set of three pairs. It was on sale for 2.99, I decided to buy them. My mother had dropped my off and I knew she was coming back. I looked out the window and saw her gray van go over a speed bump in the sea of cars. When she did eventually walk in, I walked her over to the display where the earrings were. By then the sale had ended and the earrings where 5.99 again. The only pair that was cheaper than that was a single set that where black teddy bears holding a red heart. She decided not to buy them. As we continued to walk around for a little bit i started asking her if she would buy me McDonald's. I asked about four times before she left the store and I was stuck there. I meet up with my friends to walk to class. Some how I end up at the nurses station and he tells me to lay down. He gets extremely clos

I feel as though I have failed. I want to do my best and I want to complete my goals. The only time I miss posts is when I am away or unable to get to my laptop. I am trying not to miss as many days as possible. I also do not want to post something that is not good. I want to give out my heart an soul to what I write. I hope there is never a day that I give up completely. I am still trying to not miss days, but things happen and that's okay, as long as I try again the next day, I am still doing good. I am still completing my goal. Pessimistic to Optimistic.