Cermit Talks

My mother has always hurt me emotionally for a very long time. She has never supported me in things. The only things she has supported my I hated to the point of wanting to kill myself. I am not just saying that at that moment I was extremely low, and to think back and those where the only things she supported me on honestly hurts. Those three things where my past two jobs, and an organization. She forced me into all of them. My first job wasn't bad but she made me grow to hate it because I had to deal with her. The other I came home crying after every shift. The organization its self was not bad but how she forced me and how I felt. I have a shop and for the last two weeks I have been working extremely hard and spent a lot of time and money in this shop. Yesterday she asked me "When are you going to get a real job?" She says tons of things against me that hurts and as often as possible I try and brush them off. Late that night it started festering. I was laying in bed

I used to not be able to sit down and watch shows on a binge. I could never understand how people could. I would try and watch and my ADHD would freak out and I would have to do something else. I never really watched TV either so I was always on YouTube. At the beginning of this year, something changed. In December I was on my last winter break and someone convinced me to watch Supernatural. I don't know why but I couldn't get my eyes off it. I watched in about a month and a half. Which is impressive knowing that it was 12 seasons and there were about 24 episodes and they were 45 minutes long. Yes, I have no life. After that, I am now able to watch shows. Yes, it may not be something to be Happy about but shows can be really interesting and you can learn from them, or just have a nice time watching with someone. It was extremely frustrating, I would have to stop and watch something else, no matter how interested I was. So being able to be actually a relief. I have watched ma

I have spent my entire life hoping I will find someone to love me. I have had my heart broken and have felt the deepest pain in my heart that I didn't know was possible. I have gotten to a point where I didn't think it was possible to trust someone to a point to be happy. Even after some heartbreaks, I felt happy for a while, but I still worried more than I should have, I still thought that I was not worthy. But this time is different. I am not someone who blocks myself off but this was different. I trusted him before I knew I did, I connected with him. I had been in past relationships where I was months in and was unsure if I loved them, but he was different. I don't like to compare because I do not see this as another relationship. But after the first day we meet/started dating all I could think about was how I was so amazed at what had just happened, and within the 2 days between when I saw him again I thought about how every moment that I could have said I love you,

I was asked today "What do you do?" I froze for a moment and didn't know what to say. Before I graduated I always had to school to cover that question. Most people when asking that question want to hear like a public job, or college. Recently I have actually been doing things, I have made a shop online and have been working on the vocal to create articles. Though I don't a direct income it is still something. I originally answered the question with "nothing." and a shameful feeling in my stomach but my partner than looked over at me and reminded me about my articles. I then mentioned my shop and talked to people about it. In my mind, because it is not traditional nor an amazing money maker I always feel its not enough, mostly because other people have made me think that. But in reality its something I'm working on, its almost like I'm an intern in my life, I'm not making a lot of money doesn't mean its not a job or a dedication. I hate tha

I was set out to make an ad for my shop. I went through and found different options for what I wanted to do. I ended up making a facebook ad because that is the original platform and it just seemed to make sense. I choose to promote your page. I felt the look of the ad was better than just a post because I am more focused on getting people to look at my shop and not just some post I made. It has been a good handful of hours and I am learning more as I mess around with it. It seems that the number of people your ad reaches match up with cents. So average (or just exact I am not sure) every person is worth a cent. I bought 1 dolor for 7 days. Today I got about 30 reaches and 2 likes. But another thing I learned is that the ad counts like even if they are not from the ad. It tells me how much it is charged per like, but someone I actually personally invited liked my page after I made the ad and it counted it. Which is slightly irritating for the fact that I want those statistics to be

Vocal is a website that you can produce articles and get paid. On most websites, you can make your way up to being paid but on this one it's different. Last week I posted my first article and found out a few more things. I have had a vocal account longer than I have had this blog. There were lost of reasons why I didn't make a post. The idea that it needs to be reviewed makes me nervous because I am a person who does not believe my work is worth money in the way of how I make blog posts. That is why I would never pay for advertisement on anything that I do for fun like YouTube or now blogging. But with this website, I have dedicated my works for theories. A huge thing that got me worried was copyright. I do not feel anything I can personally produce would be good enough for that kind of website, so I landed o producing theories that people have shared and putting them into articles. If you'd like to check out my vocal here it is [Vocal ] also it will be on my about me if

I have never bought any views or clicks on anything, and through my time on the internet, I have had many places where I could have such. I am still not buying anything for this or anything else that is neither time or money sensitive. Since I have recently created my shop I know for a fact that if I do not get my shop out there nothing will be bought. I decided when I paid the fees of the company I choose that I would use the little money I have to actually get my shop out there. Yes, I can share it around but that reaches just what I can touch which for time's sake is not enough. I have spent days looking into what I want and my thoughts are scattered. I want to write them all out and look through them in a thoughtful manner. Google Ad: You can pay for any price per day, there is no point where it asks for how many days so it is probably until you cancel it. The amount of clicks and impressions depends on your keywords. The more I add the more it goes down, weirdly enough. B

I have been thinking a lot about my shop and how I want to improve it. I have been looking into ways to promote it and I think from personal experience, paying for a promotion is probably the most efficient way. But before I do that I want to make sure my shop is exactly how I want it. So like pricing and actual items, and I want to figure out a schedule of some kind of how often I add new products and post on the shop. I have ideas for all of them but I want to create some kind of team to go over ideas with. I was just thinking about my friends but I would need to talk to them more in-depth because most of them see this as another project I could abandon. But the way this looks and is going I want this to be a real thing.  I hope I can make this work. It has been on my mind since I have found it and I want to make it the best it can be. I hope with lots of effort and some money I can make this a thing. I really hope.

"what are you going to do with your life? go to school? get a job? move out?" There are certain complications to certain things that are personal that keep me stumped in this situation. I can't find myself in any situation that would be best for anyone. I have spent hours and days looking into something I can do that will actually make me happy or not make my mental issues lose their minds. I specifically spent all the time I had at home looking for something I could do, again. This time though I came across a website that was selling websites that sold products. I was looking through them for a while and looked enough to go to the supplier's website. I looked into them and found something that truly might make me happy. Obviously, it is more complicated than that and I did research and looked into many different things. I found a way to make money selling products. I pay a little money each month and the product is shipped from the company. I am just the middlem

I put the headphone on for the first time in what feels like a long time. I haven’t sat and listened to music in an impossible amount of time. I rather use some sort of headphones because at the moment of 2 minutes and whatever seconds I find myself somewhere else, whatever song plays I’m there. It’s in an intimate moment. Having a perfect song that you know all the lyrics to blast and you literally can’t hear anything else. I start to cry, why? Probably because I’m emotional but because for a minute or two I’m not here. The evening can disappear and you are in a completely different story. One that maybe connects to yours but is another. Somewhere else, I can choose to go anywhere. That’s why sometimes it’s hard to find a starting song. Shuffle you are surprised with a new destination. It’s like going on a plan for free and they choose the destinations for you. Sometimes you want to go to specific places, other times you want to travel the world. I felt my heart melt, my eyes wate

I hear noises from upstairs. There's yelling and pounding. My heart beats fast and I get the pit feeling in my stomach like I always do. I find myself thinking of all the things I could do wrong. I think of all the situations of yelling and screaming the could occur. I start to worry and feel myself wanting to hide. I shut the sound off on everything trying to listen in. I hold my breath for a reason I am not sure. Maybe to listen better? Maybe because if I hold my breath they can't hear me? I listen more and every sound almost sounds like its coming towards me. I panic more and think of reasons I should leave. It's not my house, I am only a guest. There is a moment of silence. Then I hear laughter. I remember there are children here. The noise was children. I stop holding my breath. I think about how I am so broken that any sound is threatening because that's all its ever been. I sit here and think about how worried I got that they would come down here and yell at m

Lately, I have been all over the place recently. Physically I have been in all sorts of pain, I probably should check that out. Mentally I have been low. My anxiety has been really bad. I want to feel better and I want to work harder. I can tell I am falling back on my blog and I really hate myself for not trying hard enough. My home life has always been toxic and it has never gotten better. I am trying to find a way out but the main way we are looking scares me in so many ways but I don't know what else to do. I feel trapped at home but I also feel scared. I keep telling myself things will be okay and I just hope that's true. I want to feel okay and I want to be able to do what will make me happy. I am trying currently to find ways for me to be a freelance writer. I am trying to find places I can post more "serious" stuff and hopefully making something out of it. Thank you for reading and sticking by.

After graduating I have been taking some time looking back on my education. I moved around a lot as a child. We settled in Beaverton where I went to preschool to fifth grade. I went to two different schools because of an abusive friend. I remember sitting down on the floor as our teacher told us a series of math problems and me learning to do mental math, which later became somewhat of a problem. I also was going through a rough time and as a young child the thing I thought to do was get the teacher attention because I couldn't get it at home, I stole rocks from a teacher who collected them. Also in the same school, I wrote "I hate Veronica" on the bathroom stall. I was a troubled child and it showed in school. I wasn't allowed to make the cover of one of my yearbooks. When my father died and we could afford the place we moved to Lebanon for 6 months. Nothing was important that happened there education wise except maybe making a pair of friends not be friends for r