I Painted My Nails Blue

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I painted my nails blue because I want to kill myself. No, I'm not going to, they are there as a reminder I have a choice. I can choose what happens if the pain gets too bad that I have a choice to end it. I feel like my life has been made of choices that I didn't make. I have dated two people in my life, both left me. I can not say I didn't choose to be with them, because that would be a lie. But the matter in which both relationships started and ended, make me feel that there is nothing I can control. The first one, I was young, I didn't really want a relationship but I did it anyway. It ended by his choice. He told me I did nothing wrong and that later it was a mistake. He was just in a bad mood and it happened. The next one was a week after that one. I was in pain and I am a gullible person. He was sweet and I said yes. When he broke up with me he said he just didn't feel the same. Over a week he thought about his feelings and decided that he did not love me as a partner. That was only a few days ago. I am in pain. But I have even the smallest amount of hope to see that maybe things will turn up. I haven't been single for 4 and a half years excluding that week. Lots of people are single for long periods of time, but I don't even know where to start with anything. I painted my nails blue so I know I have a choice. I will paint them blue till my life are full of choices that I made, and I will paint them blue till I can say "I am okay too".

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