My Birthday Is Coming Up

This year is another special year. I have had this blog for a few years now and I wrote a few times about how turning 18 was a big thing for me. And I haven't really talked about it since then.  As someone who has had depression and anxiety for longer than I can remember the future, or anything past 18, seems like something that was too far for me to even consider thinking about. I thought id be dead before then. It is kind of like owning a house, it's something that is so far in the future it's completely out of your reach. So turning 18 was hard for me to process, honestly, I don't think I ever did. I was in a bad place in my 18th year of life. And I didn't realize till recently how hard these last few years have been mentally for me. I have kind of just brushed off being an adult. Like things are different for sure but it seemed like the end goal. And now 3 years later I am 2 weeks away from turning 21. It doesn't seem real. I have been dissociating so much the last few years without ever putting a label on it till recently because I didn't know that's what it was. 

I honestly have been feeling for the last few months, that I won't make it to my 21st. I felt the same way on my 18th birthday and I don't remember if I did on my 19th or 20th. But when I am alone, in the shower, I start to cry because I feel like it's too far away. And yet it gets closer and closer every day. I have talked about how the concept of time doesn't make any sense to me, I can't comprehend how time keeps moving. Like I know it does but how and why. I am a person who doesn't understand many things but I do at the same time. I know it's very unlikely I am going to die within the next two weeks, I know that, but that doesn't stop the feeling in my chest. Honestly, I am scared. I don't know how to talk about it with anyone because I know it is crazy, I know it doesn't make sense, and I know I'm going to be fine. But I can't stop thinking about these things. 

It's getting closer and closer every day, I'm almost there, can't believe it. I am trying to stay calm about my birthday, both excitement and fear. I hope it goes well, honestly just ready for it to be over. I really hope all my fears are irrational and the day goes well as I plan it to. At least I have a good reason to drink because these next four years we won't have to live in as much fear. I just pray next year is better. 

I have been just focusing on projects and cleaning. I got some stuff so I can have a little spa day the day before my birthday. I hate the idea that I'm complaining. I am grateful and excited I just get depressed around the time of my birthday because I think about my dad and my past a lot. I am happy I made it this far just doesn't seem real, ever since I turned 18 I just feel like I'm in a dream, I've been told that's disassociating, just seems crazy I have been doing it so long. To be fair this year has been really hard, it's been difficult to keep my spirits up just as it is for everyone else. But to be positive I have been working on birthday freebies again this year, you will get that hopefully this month, it's honestly like a scavenger hunt and it's a lot of fun. I am excited to share everything I find.